In some cases people will commit a betrayal or affair in an attempt to address a need that is not being met within the relationship. They may see the rest of the relationship as being healthy and they want to hang onto it but they just need this extra ‘thing’ to complete the picture. For example; if one partner has a chronic condition that causes a loss of libido or sexual function, the other may initiate an affair in order to meet their own sexual needs or to get away from the problems that have occurred within the relationship as a result of the condition.

In situations like this, the person doing the betraying may also seek to meet their emotional needs such as connection, admiration and validation. This can happen following the birth of a child or some other life-changing event.

Sometimes, the one who committed the act of betrayal may have depression or a chronic condition themselves which may make them behave differently or they may want to hide the problem from others.

Another example of someone intending to save the relationship would be a gambler who wants to win ‘the big one’ in order to create a better life for their family.

Sometimes a betrayal may be a misguided attempt to regain power within the relationship following an unhappy or difficult situation. Through an affair feelings of anger and loss can be dispersed temporarily with no regard for any consequences.

“How could they do this to me?”
“Why is this happening to me?”
“What did I do/not do to deserve this?”
“Should I blame myself?”
“Did our relationship have problems that I couldn’t see?”
“What made them do it?”
“What other things have they lied about?”
“How can I ever trust him/her again?”
“Why do I feel so hurt and stupid for this happening?”
“Can we recover from this?”
“Should I simply walk away from this relationship?”

The person who committed the betrayal may also be very confused and distressed about their behaviour and feel extremely guilty – especially if they did not set out to hurt the other person.

“Why did I have the affair/committed the betrayal? I don’t really understand my own behaviour”
“How has it come to this? What caused it?”
“Do we need help?”
“Will he/she ever get over the betrayal?”
“I want to save the relationship but he/she doesn’t trust me.”
“I feel bad about the betrayal and I’ve said sorry, but he/she keeps going on about it.”
“How can we get through this?”

Relationship sessions with Lazzaro gives people a vehicle through which they can reflect on these questions and progressively work through them. Learning how to process the situation in a non-judgemental way can help foster acceptance and lead to a better understanding of what happened.

After a betrayal has been uncovered both parties, but especially the person who was betrayed, will experience a massive cocktail of emotions. After the initial shock , strong feelings of anger, resentment, blame and bewilderment can rise to the surface. These may prompt knee-jerk reactions such as filing for divorce or blocking all forms of communication with the perpetrator.

These are known as ‘flight or fight’ responses and stem from earlier times of hunting and gathering. They are our body’s way of signalling danger when in threatening or dangerous situations and prompt us to escape or find a means of defending ourselves.

Loss of predictability and certainty will also contribute to knee-jerk responses. It is also common for either party to want to run away from the situation instead of dealing with it.

In the aftermath of a betrayal the one who has been betrayed may not allow themselves time to think rationally and they may become focused on ways they can deal with the problem or make the pain go away instantly. Usually, the methods they choose are inappropriate or ineffective. They may even complicate the problem further and block any chance of resolution.

Many couples I work with come to relationship sessions in the hope of working through feelings arising by the discovery of an affair or betrayal.

Trust is at the very foundation of intimate relationships. It takes time to build trust, and in a moment it can be shattered. The discovery of an affair or betrayal turns a couples world upside down. Very strong feelings of shock, anger and guilt come between partners. For many, the question of whether they can ever trust their partner again must be addressed. How to rebuild trust is at the core of the crisis in the relationship.

In my experience working through the painful feelings surrounding the affair and beginning to understand what led to it, can strengthen the bond between people.

If you are in a relationship and are looking for support and guidance on issues between you and your partner, you may find couples sessions to be the most effective way of addressing your relationship issues. Think of a relationship as a dance and the way you and your partner interact as steps in that dance. If the steps aren’t helping the dance flow and you are ‘stepping on each others toes’ you need to find new steps that work for both of you. The best way to discover those new steps is to explore your options together.

However there are times when you may prefer to explore relationship issues through individual sessions. It may be that at this time your partner is not ready to begin a session and you want to find ways you as an individual can meet the challenges of your relationship.
You may not be in a relationship at present but want to have time to reflect on past relationships and how your experiences from the past are effecting the way you feel about relationships and your willingness to enter into new relationships.

You may be grieving the loss of an intimate relationship and need the support of a professional  to help you understand and manage all the feelings you are experiencing around that loss.

Individual sessions can be a rich and rewarding experience where you are able to explore your thoughts and feelings in a supportive and caring environment.